And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. -Colossians 3:17 (ESV)
If you’ve ever owned and driven an old car for an extended period of time, there are stark differences between it and all those newer cars on the road.

It seems like every other car is bigger, faster, shinier, more comfy, and problem-free. The temptation to trade up to a newer model eggs you on, and you might start thinking that a new car would make your life all better. But what if you looked at your old car through the lens God wants you to look through?

Maybe God wants you to learn something with the car you have. Be grateful for it. Take care of it as if it were the only car you would ever have. Don’t neglect it. Grow in patience and perseverance as you care for it, rather than enviously eyeing new prospects.

And so it is with relationships, isn’t it? My pastor likened old car ownership to marriage (treat your old car as if it were the only one you’d have your whole life), but it also applies to any relationship–especially those difficult people. Find and nurture the blessings right under your nose with the “old car” you have before you.

When you do that–and no one does it perfectly…I should know!–God is honored and made known. You’re trying your best for Him. If the old car falls apart, then you know you’ve done all you can to make it work. Or, if it’s in His will, God could miraculously make that old car run forever…and all you have to do is your part with regular TLC and maintenance.

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? -2 Corinthians 6:14 (NIV)

In this world, it’s a given that we believers walk in the midst of throngs of unbelievers. We walk among those who consider us ignorant, backward, and uninformed.

That’s okay. It’s a known that, at the core of our belief systems and world views, that we’re essentially incompatible, moving in two different directions. And because of that, we must take care not to connect too closely.

When two animals are yoked, they are connected in a way that only works best when they move in the same direction. In terms of personal relationships, a domineering member yoked to a yielding member will cause them to go in circles. In friendships, yoking can cause serious friction when core values clash. But most critically, marrying someone who isn’t a believer will cause–eventually, if not immediately–heartbreak that could extend even to your progeny.

This isn’t to say to avoid unbelievers, because that’s almost impossible in a world of unbelievers. In fact, this agent would say it’s best to make the most of our walk and associations with unbelievers, because the Lord may be using us to win more of the lost to His glory.

The caution is to not take on a yoke…a binding connection…that will compromise the values you’ve ascribed to under God. Because this world has a way of telling you and convincing you, if not outright coercing you, that if you don’t change your views or path to go with theirs, you are wrong and evil.

But they know not what they do, and they cannot understand or make sense of God’s truth till they see it for themselves. Till then, continue to walk in their midst, but never forget the significance of the yoke.

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. -Ephesians 5:33

NOTE: I want to start off by saying that though this post talks about a marriage-related verse, and a ministry around it, these concepts really can be applied to all relationships.

This verse comes from one of the Pauline epistles (the apostle Paul’s letters), where he speaks to the Christians in Ephesus about how a husband and wife should love and respect each other. In a marriage, both members need love and respect, but in this passage, the husband is commanded to love his wife, while the wife is commanded to respect her husband. Why?

The relationship secret hidden in plain sight

There’s this program called Love & Respect, by Dr. Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs, where they uncover the basis of successful Christ-centered marriages. They call it a secret in plain sight: husbands mistakenly speak and listen to their wives as if they were men, and vice-versa.

In other words, when a wife confronts her husband, it’s because she wants to resolve a situation, as she would with another woman. To a man, confrontation (with another man) leads to conflict, so he puts up a wall to do the honorable thing. This wall is looked at by the woman as being unloving, so…she becomes disrespectful, and the man becomes unloving.

Husbands are naturally respectful, due to their living in hierarchical male circles…but are not very good at being loving—especially when feeling disrespected. Wives are naturally loving, but not very good at being respectful—especially when feeling unloved. This is termed by the Love & Respect ministry as the Crazy Cycle, where husbands put up walls when feeling disrespected, and wives confront and disrespect when feeling unloved.

Breaking the cycle

So, Paul’s letter to the Ephesians teaches men to do what is unnatural (be loving) when the chips are down, as well as for women to do what is unnatural for them (be respectful) when the chips are down.

The amazing, eye-opening key to breaking the cycle was this concept: to love the other person as Christ loves you. Unconditionally. Where your love for them is not dependent or conditional on their behavior or spiritual performance.

In a certain respect, this makes the other person irrelevant, because this is really about your walk with God. It’s also freeing because you’re no longer tying your happiness to a person, but instead carrying His peace with you.

When it hits you, then you can see how, suddenly, the sting of the other person’s hurtful words and actions are blunted, because they no longer pierce you…they no longer even reach you. You can now extend grace and love and respect as Jesus has done for you, despite you not deserving or earning it, because you never could.

What’s interesting is that even if only one person in the relationship tries Love & Respect, it’s possible that, over time, the other person’s heart will soften and be convicted, and will get on board.

Love and respect is for all

You can see how this concept is applicable to any interpersonal relationship, and takes practice. You will falter and fail from time to time, because the flesh wants to respond in a worldly way. But we are not of this world…and we can make Him known in how we treat others, and not make our behavior dependent on theirs.

The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered. -Proverbs 17:27

Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly. -Proverbs 14:29

A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel. -Proverbs 15:18

There’s a seminar called Love & Respect I want to discuss in another post which really opened my eyes. In it, one of the key concepts is that your response is your responsibility.

The context for the seminar, and that concept, is marital conflict and resolution, but it really can be applied to any relationship.

Which path?

The worldly path: It’s all about you

If you’re an unbeliever, it just means that you need to be the bigger, more mature person…which is a really tough pill to swallow when you feel wronged, and you’ve got to say something. You just can’t let it go. In fact, if you don’t do or say anything, you feel you will have been an accessory in robbing yourself of happiness.

The believer’s path: It’s all about Him

If you’re a believer, however, your happiness is not tied to your circumstance, or the actions of another person. Why? Because you’re then a puppet, at the whim of strings another person is pulling, and whipped around by the winds of turbulent times.

Instead, when the other person is just poking and prodding and slandering and accusing and condemning…when they’re unleashing everything in their arsenal to find a chink in your spiritual armor…you can either take it head on (you won’t last!) or choose His peace.

Note that I didn’t say firing back was an option!

(In fairness, some belief systems do advocate that you don’t tie your peace to circumstances or people, either. But they don’t, of course, tie it to God’s infinite peace.)

Easy for you to say!

Right? You might say, “That’s easy for you to say…you’re not in my situation!”

But the truth is, God’s peace is infinite and inexhaustible. We only need to tap into it. And to do that, we must step out of our flesh natures, which harbor the hurt and self-pity and indignance.

It’s not strength that’s needed to do this…but instead, to let go and trust. To remember that He sees everything that’s going on, and that you trust His promise that He will work out all things for the good of His children who love Him, and that His peace and unconditional love for you can be channeled through you to the other person. It’s not about you. It’s about Him.

So…I’m a doormat?

I wrestle with this…so being loving of the other person, regardless of their spiritual performance, makes me a doormat, right? I just let this keep going and going? Where’s the discernment to act, not just sit back and take it in faith that He will make things better?

The following devotional helped me immensely to understand that it is not about being a doormat at all, and to see what Jesus did in His time on this earth:

Agape love doesn’t obligate you to do any of those things. But you might still think agape love-God’s gift-love-makes you into some­one people can abuse. If that’s what you think, you’re missing a clear picture of love.

Read the whole devotional »