He said to David, “You are more righteous than I; for you have dealt well with me, while I have dealt wickedly with you. -‭‭1 Samuel‬ ‭24:17‬ ‭(NASB‬‬)

“Kill him!”

Have you ever watched a movie where the hero has a chance to kill the bad guy, but chooses not to…and you’re talking at the screen as if you could will the hero to kill him anyway?

Not-yet-King David was hiding in the wilderness from King Saul, Israel’s first king, who was out to kill him. David had more than one opportunity to kill Saul when he was off guard.

But instead of trying to kill the king who was out to kill him, David instead showed Saul how he was presented opportunities by God to do as he pleased with Saul’s life…and he chose to not harm or kill him.

So, Saul said the verse above to David. Could we extend the same grace and mercy to those who wish to do harm to us? If we allow God to guide us and flow through us, then yes, we can repay good for evil.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. -Romans 3:23 (HCSB)

Many devotional writings, including ones on this blog, talk about how we can lean on God to help us persevere among difficult people in our lives. But not many writings talk about the other side of the coin: What are we contributing–or not contributing–that may be adding to the difficulties we face in our lives?

The difficult people we face act in ways that reflect their level of brokenness. But how we act and respond likewise reflects our brokenness and obedience to God. In any relationship, whether business or personal, with an elder or junior, it’s the dynamic of two or more people, each contributing to the dynamic. And sure, sometimes there’s one who contributes most or all the toxicity…but who’s on the other end, allowing it to happen by not speaking or enforcing boundaries? Who might be shorter of patience or less than loving and kind than they should be in response to such toxicity?

I can raise my hand to that. But the encouraging part of it all is that God forgives us every time as we come to Him and tell Him we flubbed it yet again when we weren’t the picture of His grace. And with Jesus as our model, and the Holy Spirit as our guide, we can continue our ever-improving journey, step by step and day by day, toward more brightly becoming a reflection of Him in Christlikeness.

Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. -Matthew‬ ‭7:12‬ ‭(NKJV)

Let all that you do be done with love. -‭‭I Corinthians‬ ‭16:14‬ ‭(NKJV)

Remember how uplifting it was when you learned that God loves you for your perfect, finished self, rather than who you were? That happened at the moment when we accepted Jesus for who He was, and what He did out of His love for us.

We didn’t earn that. We didn’t deserve that. But God lovingly and willingly gave His Son so we could be forgiven and free, and live on after we pass from this world.

What if we treated others better than what they deserved?

What if we treated the difficult people in our lives as their perfect, finished selves, rather than treating and reacting to them in response to who they are now? What if we saw them through the same lens God sees us? What if we demonstrated that we were extensions and overflowing conduits of God’s love?

I’m still working on this daily, and challenge you to try it, too. It’s not easy, but with the Holy Spirit’s help, we can shed the resentment and indignation, and then treat others the way God treats us. You may be surprised at the response!

And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. -Colossians 3:17 (ESV)
If you’ve ever owned and driven an old car for an extended period of time, there are stark differences between it and all those newer cars on the road.

It seems like every other car is bigger, faster, shinier, more comfy, and problem-free. The temptation to trade up to a newer model eggs you on, and you might start thinking that a new car would make your life all better. But what if you looked at your old car through the lens God wants you to look through?

Maybe God wants you to learn something with the car you have. Be grateful for it. Take care of it as if it were the only car you would ever have. Don’t neglect it. Grow in patience and perseverance as you care for it, rather than enviously eyeing new prospects.

And so it is with relationships, isn’t it? My pastor likened old car ownership to marriage (treat your old car as if it were the only one you’d have your whole life), but it also applies to any relationship–especially those difficult people. Find and nurture the blessings right under your nose with the “old car” you have before you.

When you do that–and no one does it perfectly…I should know!–God is honored and made known. You’re trying your best for Him. If the old car falls apart, then you know you’ve done all you can to make it work. Or, if it’s in His will, God could miraculously make that old car run forever…and all you have to do is your part with regular TLC and maintenance.

It [God’s grace] teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age. -Titus 2:12 (NIV)

If you’re a nice person who’s tired of being taken advantage of and treated like a doormat, I want to share with you the Reese’s peanut butter cups of truth Jesus laid on me.

Reese’s peanut butter cups?!?

Let me explain. In the ’80S, there was a television ad where a man was walking down the sidewalk enjoying a chocolate bar, and a woman walking on an intersecting sidewalk was enjoying their jar of peanut butter. (Who does that?)

The two end up colliding with each other, and the man’s chocolate bar ends up in the woman’s peanut butter jar…and they discover that the unexpected combination is an amazing synthesis!

And so it is with two separate lessons Jesus, the light of truth on the lies in our lives, showed to me that I needed to put boundaries and truth, not niceness together to make a better…stronger…healthier me than ever before.

Boundaries: The chocolate part of the mix

As I wrote in Build fences, not walls, boundaries are our explicit expression of where others end and we begin. It’s a friendly demarcation, like a boundary line of a piece of land. It’s like a fence, not a wall. For example, we can healthily express when we don’t have time or resources to help someone else. We can tell someone that if they continue to act poorly to us, we will not stay in their presence and needlessly bear the brunt of it.

Without boundaries, we have no fence for others to clearly understand who we are. And for those who don’t understand boundaries and possibly are used to getting their way, they will gladly overrun you. It’s the perfect storm for codependency.

By setting boundaries, you’re no longer a prisoner in the cell of your own making.

Niceness: The peanut butter part of the mix

Niceness is the other culprit. Also mentioned in Doormat no more, niceness is passive aggressively living a boundary-less life, constantly giving and taking on unnecessary work and personal burdens. Resentment builds and builds, until your dam finally bursts and no one knows why. The cure for such lack of disingenuousness is honesty, not spoken bluntly or barked, but firmly and calmly. No, I won’t be doing your _______ for you any more. I’ve been taking on too much for myself, and shortchanging you of doing it for yourself.

What is revealed when you trust in God as you take such stands is this: the people in your life who understand and respect you and your boundaries will have no issue with it. They will thank you for expressing yourself honestly…and respecting them enough to do just that. The people who don’t understand or respect boundaries will not take well to it at all. And you can thank Jesus for helping you shed light on those two groups!

So why doesn’t God just make my life better for me?

Want healthier interpersonal relationships, rather than asking God why were you cast your lot in life, and why doesn’t He fix it for you? The revelation He gave me was that He does want to fix those things…through you! He wants us to take responsibility for our actions and boundaries, which not only affect our emotional and spiritual health and growth, but that of others around us.

Yes, that will likely mean you will face hostility from those who weren’t used to having boundaries to respect. Yes, you may feel very uncomfortable with the displeasure of others when you’re not doing things for them that they could do for themselves. But God wants you to live in the freedom of emotional healthiness, not the bondage of twisted relationship dynamics. And, the more you stand up and live boldly and freely and righteously in emotional and spiritual truth, the less that the takers in your life will be around, because you’re no longer fueling their tendencies. They’ll have to look elsewhere, or possibly change their perspective as well.

It took over 40 years till Jesus decided it was time to open my eyes to Him, and the amazing journey of emotional and spiritual growth ahead. If you battle with niceness, resentment, and boundary issues, I pray the lessons Jesus sparked in me will do the same for you!

No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it yields the fruit of peace and righteousness to those who have been trained by it. -Hebrews 12:11 (HCSB)

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. -Romans 3:23 (HCSB)

We all know people who can hurt others in a completely unaware fashion. They’re so used to it that they don’t even see it as hurting others, or maybe even don’t remember it!

Some behaviors people have been battling head on for years–and losing in their own strength–but can finally name and see them for what they are, are:

• Abusive communication: Interruption, railroading, dismissal, insults, etc.
• Boundary violations of personal space, time, privacy, etc.
• Isolation
• Denial of bad behavior
• Projection: When the offender imposes false negative attributes and behaviors on you
• Fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG)
• Emotional, mental, and physical abuse

A truth God keeps showing me is that those who are badly hurting inside manifest it outwardly by hurting others. It’s too easy to write people off as bad because they exhibit bad behavior. We’re all fallen.

Tough love: Fighting darkness with light

The compassion to see and feel for the hurting is a gift of the Holy Spirit, but we are called to be loving, not enabling. For example, when those who claim to be Christ followers tell you that they hate you, you don’t simply say nothing or dismiss them or fire back. You pull out the sword of the Spirit–God’s Word–and chop right through the hate:

Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him. -1 John 3:15 (HCSB)

The outcome of your application of the word is either fierce anger on the part of the offender, or repentance. Because no matter what the reason behind bad behavior, it is still not God-honoring, and it must be met with the light of God’s Word.

In addition, it’s time to set healthy boundaries…build fences, not walls.

Walk with God, not the flesh, as your offender is. Know that God is with you as you fight the good fight of faith, because sometimes the biggest spiritual battles are behind closed doors…the ones no one else sees. But God sees, and is with you.

The heart of the righteous studies how to answer, But the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil. -Proverbs 15:28 (NKJV)

You know the feeling when someone’s gone way below the belt. They dig something up from the past, or throw lies in your face, or purposely embarrass and misrepresent you before others. Your flesh is rising, bristling, and you feel the poison of resentment and possibly hatred invading your body. Nobody can talk to you like that, right!

But the bottom line is that we can control our actions and responses. Jesus didn’t fight fire with fire when the Pharisees tested Him and tried to trap Him before crowds. He resolutely faced them with firm and loving truth, and even asked them questions to dig deeper into the issues they were trying to throw at Him. He faced His accusers head on, but never stooped to their level.

Likewise, people are watching you, especially if you publicly profess to be a follower of Christ. Your friends, family, and even bystanders have a chance to see Christ’s grace and love in action…or your own base desire to lash right back out at the offender.

So the next time you get blindsided or backstabbed by someone, take a deeeeeep breath. Take a sip of water if you must. Then, ask God how He would want you to make Him known by your response.

We can always honor our Lord and Savior by emulating Him, especially with trying people. I look at these people as blessings, because God put them in our paths to teach us to channel His patience and grace and bold love. Thank you, God, for loving us enough to help us learn from you and make you known as we grow and speak your love to others!

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men. It instructs us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live sensible, upright, and godly lives in the present age, as we await the blessed hope and glorious appearance of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ. He gave Himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for Himself a people for His own possession, zealous for good deeds. -Titus 2:11-14 (NIV)

If you’re tired of being tired, giving till you’re depleted, and feeling used and abused…or maybe wondering why everyone around you is always upset with you for no reason…I want to share a revelation God has been unfolding to me since He pulled the sackcloth off my head in 2013. It’s shedding light on my past and upbringing that have shaped who I’ve become, but more importantly, on how Jesus has begun rebooting me into the person I never could be on my own.

Until 2015, I had no concept of boundaries in relationships…personal, business, or otherwise. I thought boundaries were just demarcations between countries, areas on a playing field, and so on. But what boundaries do for all things–including relationships–is define where entity X begins and ends, and where entity Y begins and ends.

Just like with properties in a neighborhood where fences mark the boundaries of one person’s home in relation to another, we need clearly defined boundaries in our lives. Without them, unnecessary chaos and drama ensue.

When you grow up with no concept of boundaries, you will either run all over other people, not knowing why they’re getting so bent out of shape, or you will get run over, not knowing why life is so hectic, and why you don’t have any breathing room for yourself. I’ve been in the latter camp, still extricating myself from it.

God has shone His light on my codependence, where not having any boundaries, coupled with a low self-esteem, was the perfect match for letting others overrun me with unreasonable demands and dominance. I’ve been running on fumes for decades, alive only by the grace of God! I give Him all the glory and the credit for breaking those chains, and to not continue the cycle to the next generation!

Fences (boundaries) are a friendly and loving way to define what is okay and acceptable. Walls (barriers) are different, built up for the express purpose of isolating yourself and keeping others out.

People without boundaries who are on the aggressive side will react poorly to your stated boundaries as if they were walls, since their area of control and influence over you has now been pushed back. But trust that God is with you as you set up your fences, and will carry you through the raging storms those aggressors may rain on you.

The truth is: what happens to us is only what we allow to happen to us. We should clearly define our boundaries, and if others choose not to respect them, we enforce our boundaries, lovingly asking the violators to see themselves outside our gates. Know that God wants us to live and thrive as His representatives and ambassadors to His glory, and we are not to be dominated or dominant over anyone. We are the children and servants of Christ alone.

I recommend you read “Boundaries” by Drs. Cloud and Townsend, which helped change my life!

In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. -Matthew 5:16 (NIV)

Interaction dynamics between people is always interesting…different personalities mixing with other ones can be explosive, or dominating.

Even if we just look in our own families, there’s a wide, wide range of personalities. You have the hotheads, who are aggressive, and quick to blurt out inflammatory words. On the other end, you have the doormats, who will do just about anything to keep the peace, often at their own cost.

Neither extreme honors God. We’re not to just hotheadedly put ourselves over others, nor are we to back down when the just and righteous way is to speak up. The aggressive approach lacks the grace God gives us, and the doormat approach lacks the backbone He gives us.

In Paul Coughlin’s No More Christian Nice Guy: When Being Nice–Instead of Good–Hurts Men, Women and Children (and yes, there’s also a No More Christian Nice Girl), the author talks first about how aggressive types, who are quick to speak and judge, may be outwardly truer to their feelings, but the value of their expression is dubious. Their manner also reflects narrowness of focus, rather than a broader scope of issues at play. (p. 161)

He then goes on to a fundamental misunderstanding for the doormat types:

They think the opposite of conflict is appeasement, which sometimes includes timid deception. The opposite of conflict actually is resolution, a process that demands bold truthfulness. (p. 162)

We need to look back to how Jesus walked and talked. In His brief public ministry here on earth, Jesus was no pushover, nor was he a brash blowhard. He acted boldly but lovingly, tempered by grace. And, He always spoke in the truth.

If we want change in our lives, we need to follow Jesus’ lead, to be assertive and bold, with grace. That is the true and loving way, following His walk. And when we do that, we’re getting out of our own way and letting God’s love flow through us and others around us. I want to live like that…Him through me, for His glory. Don’t you?

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. -Galatians 1:10 (NIV)

People who wink at wrong cause trouble, but a bold reproof promotes peace. -‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭10:10‬ ‭(NLT)

Hi everybody, I’m ________, and I’m a serial people pleaser.

For decades, I walked apart from God, constantly striving for the approval of others: friends, people I wanted to be my friends, coworkers, and family. I couldn’t see how I incorrectly tied self worth and esteem to the outward approval of others. I also couldn’t see, till much later, that people pleasing is the perfect dance partner for takers and abusers.

God changed all that a few years back when He opened my eyes and turned my world upside down. Everything I thought I knew was wrong, because it was shaped by flesh experiences and senses and “common sense.” In many ways, I was trained how to live by the people and world around me, and that can be a very harsh teacher, teaching some wrong thinking with painful results.

With many, I had become codependent for years or even decades, training them that their unacceptable behaviors were acceptable, because I’d go along or not voice opposition to them, for the sake of not making waves. To please them and not upset them.

Well, God wants us to WAKE UP and realize just how twisted those priorities are. There’s a difference between being selfless and hurting all parties involved by enabling sinful behavior. By doing so, we become accomplices in the crime, which does nothing to God’s glory.

There’s only One whose approval we seek, and He has told us that we are pre-approved! Because He loves us so, He sent His Son to die for us, so while we walk this earth, we walk and talk to make Him smile…to glorify Him in every interaction and reaction to others. And when we do that, some people will not be pleased. Some will be very, very upset.

And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering. -Romans 8:17 (NLT)

But we can rest assured that He is with us as we stand firm and tall, because we are more than conquerors. We are His children, co-heirs to Christ’s throne. We are fearfully and wonderfully made. We are not made to cower and enable anything not glorifying God. We are servants of Christ, One who lived and walked boldly in the truth.

Walk a new walk with me. Face up to wrongdoing and wrong behaviors. It’s not easy, but with God’s support behind you and through the fire, I testify that He will make you stronger and better than you have ever known, to His glory.